Dramatic Comedy: Scott Beauchamp (and lipgloss!)

According to The Weekly Standard, the allegations of Scott Thomas Beauchamp against his fellow soldiers were found to be false. The wannabe-Shakespearean novelist claimed that his comrades made fun of a partially burnt woman and gleefully ran over dogs. He also claimed that one of his mates found the top of a child's skull and wore it on his head. While radical(ly insane) liberal bloggers hailed Beauchamp as a national hero, the U.S. army launched an investigation. I don't really care much for Beauchamp, but I'm glad that I finally found someone who is more dramatic than myself! Believe me, I'm just about the most dramatic girl on this great green earth, but I pale in comparison to Scott Thomas Beauchamp. Not my daddy, nor any of my ex-boyfriends, would believe for one second that there is a bigger Drama Queen out there than I. But lo and behold, from the heavenly skies appeared one Scott Thomas Beauchamp.

Every morning I get up and feel retarded for joining the army.
Every morning I get up and feel proud for serving my country.
Every morning I get up and dont want to get up.
Every morning I get up and wish that I was back in college.
Every morning I get up and appreciate everything that I'm learning here.
Every morning I get up and wish my roomate wasnt such a big fan of Disturbed...
Every morning I get up and I'm a little more liberal than the day before
Every morning I get up and try to recite a fact from something I read last night.
Every morning I get up and wish I was as free as the people that I'm "fighting for"
Every morning I get up and think I'm a tool for global corporations
Every morning I get up and miss my mother
Every morning I get up and shave
Every morning I get up and realize how much I love my comrades
Every morning I get up and say I'm Scott Beauchamp, in the army, living in Germany, and this is my life, and I'm going to be treated like shit today and do landscaping and janitorial work and practice killing people and there could be no other way to appreciate what I had or what I'm going to have once I get out other than enduring this now when all I really want to do is teach history and lay around and read and hustle around and repair the world (tikkun olam) and sift through knowledge and improve culture and learn how to sail and work in soup kitchens and start a family and really, I mean REALLY study the best the western civilization has to offer and facilitiate the mystery and power through everything I do, but I cant do it without getting through this army experience first, which will add a legitimacy to EVERYTHING i do afterwards, and totally bolster my opinions on defense, etc, and of course its making me a lot less lazy, just because im not use to being lazy any more, etc.
Every morning I get up

Lovely. Just lovely.

I wonder what kind of lipgloss would go with his attitude? Pink champagne from DuWop? Or Cherry Fizz from Guerlain? Or a Super Shimmer Gloss from Sephora? Fellow Drama Queens (including Beau baby), I present to you my top lipgloss picks (Because you care. I know you do!):

 
 


p.s.
Since I have this, I decided to get this, but even if this doesn't really do much to "illuminate" your skin, I say you still ought to get it! Just because!